


More Than Enough

by hayannabi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Domestic, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 02:57:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12049878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hayannabi/pseuds/hayannabi
Summary: Jihoon is on his way from work with a shit-ton of emotions inside him he doesn't know how to deal with.Thankfully, Seungcheol is waiting for him at home.And that's enough.





	More Than Enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [svtvevo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/svtvevo/gifts).



It is happening again. For the fourth or fifth time this week, already.

Jihoon can’t even properly grip the steering wheel as his sweaty hands leaves greasy marks on the black leather. Winter is right at its best, presenting the coldest weather at the end of January. Milky sky above him turning into night violet, the windshield wipers fighting furiously against the snow storm.

He always loved watching snowfall. Mostly back when he was a kid, when he didn’t have a thing to worry about and feared nothing. Sometimes he wishes he could go back to those times. Those days when your parents did everything for you. Not telling you how hard it will be later on when they are not around anymore. All of a sudden, he misses his mother’s embrace. 

At his worse, he feels like a kid trapped in adult’s body, not knowing what to do when shit happens.

Jihoon stops his car at red light, palms drying into his pants, which he got for ridiculous amount of money just because Seungcheol kept assuring him they fit perfectly and his ass looks cute in them.  
Which _duh_ it does. 

They first met five to six year ago at their second year in college. Jihoon was going through a breakup with a guy, Sojin, he was dating for a few months. It was the kind of relationship when you don’t necessarily love, yet adore the other person. When you just despised being alone to a point you would rather push yourself to have sex with someone to make them happy, when even the thought itself disgusted you. Even though Jihoon felt unloved and used by him most of the time, at least he wasn’t alone. He was telling himself this is enough for him.  
_It has to be._

_“You’re fucking crying again!? You must be kidding me,” Sojin raises his voice rather quickly, “this is not an illness, you’re just being selfish. Why do I feel like you just want me to pity you?”_  
  
_Jihoon’s head is spinning. Wrapping his hands around himself, in order to calm himself down as soon as possible. He know Sojin loathes when he behaves like this, anxious, depressed and all._  
  
_“It’s not like I do it on purpose, okay. It may not look like it, but I am trying!” Jihoon sobs and tries his best to breathe deeper, “I’m trying not to be the bother, okay? But it’s bigger than me. It’s bigger than anything when it hits me.”_  
  
_Sojin chuckles, it sounds like disdain._  
_“Do you know what it looks like to other people? Do I beat you up? Do I treat you badly? How self-centered can you get?!”_  
_But- is it enough? Is it naïve or selfish to want something better?_ That was his most frequent question then.

He knows very well now it’s not the best time to think about Sojin. Or anytime, really. It only makes him feel worse. But Sojin’s words hurt back then and he still recalls them at moments like this.

He tries for deep breaths, just as everyone tells him to do when he feels his anxiety coming up his body. His therapist, family, friends and Seungcheol. It comes in waves of rapid uncomfortable heartbeats. Head spinning, vision almost blurry and tingly vibrations all over his body.  
Not really the exciting or satisfying ones he gets down his spine every time Seungcheol does something obscene to him. No, the anxiety ones give no fucks and it come and go as it likes and whenever it likes.

A car behind Jihoon flashes his lights at him as to inform him he can get moving again, while Jihoon is busy to get his sticky hair of off his forehead.  
_Impatient fucker_.  
  
He wishes he was home already.

  


The contrast between the warmth of his car and outside’s weather nearing zero degrees is intense. Running up the stairs to the second floor and stepping inside their apartment, he is immediately hit by a pleasing smell of spices and Seungcheol‘s singing voice. Any other day he would snorted at that, but right now, he kinda needs it.  


So, he snorts a bit softer.

Seungcheol turns to Jihoon and gives him a glorious smile, not stopping to hum to Paramore’s newest album he is so obsessed with for the past two weeks.  
Jihoon can literally sing to all the songs backwards at this point and is close to regretting buying it as Christmas present for Seungcheol in the first place. In the background, a hockey match is playing on TV. One wouldn’t believe Seungcheol can concentrate his attention to all the noise surrounding him and the cooking, as well.  
But he loves chaos like this.

Jihoon smiles back a little before closing the space between them entirely. Softly but tightly. With his winter coated but moist hands wrapping around Seungcheol’s belly, he presses his forehead to his back and inhales the scent of home he needed so bad.  
  
“Hey babe, how was work?“ Seungcheol asks him to the rhythm of Told you so, slightly off-beat.  
  
For someone who can’t even cook an egg, and burning a pancake is nothing unusual, Seungcheol was clearly trying for a harder challenge.  
Even if he overcooked the rice a little again (even though they have a freaking rice cooker). Even if he doesn’t remember anything about Jihoon keep telling him a metal fork shouldn’t be used to take spaghetti out of a pan or it will scratch the surface.  
Nevertheless, he confronted the kitchen to one on one fight to make a slightly more difficult meal for the two of them, this time. Jihoon appreciates that so, so much.  
But right in that moment, seeing Seungcheol so happy, Jihoon can’t help it but feel somewhat worse.

  


_It was terrible. Everyone sucks. I started hyperventilating at a meeting so I ran away to the bathroom_.  
  
He waits with his response for a minute.  
  
_But I can’t tell you that_.

“-t was alright.” Jihoon muffles to the fabric of Seungcheol’s sweater.  
“The food is almost ready. Looks like this time I got it right. Aren’t you proud of me?”

Jihoon wants to say something, to have a normal conversation. But he can’t stop the anxiety speaking to him in his brain.  
  
_What if will Seungcheol leave me too?_  
  
_I am just a burden again_.  
  
The tears Jihoon held on a way home were fighting their way out again. He lets go of his boyfriend, blinking them away, while Seungcheol chops some more veggies.  
The day already turned into night, pitch black nothingness behind the windows.  
He sits at the dining table and pulls out a half-empty pack of cigarettes. With a few clicks of a lighter he spreads out his lungs with intoxicating dose of nicotine.  
  
That makes Seungcheol turn to look at him, confused.

“You sure you’re okay?”  
  
Jihoon sits back a bit straighter, cigarette lazily sticking out of his mouth, “I- ..isn’t it weird, that suits are such a pain in the ass to wear daily?” he replies with a question.  
He looks at Seungcheol, who is slowly mixing the tomato sauce, letting Jihoon continue, not sure himself if he should be amused or simply terrified for what’s about to happen.  
"Umm.. that's out of the blue."  
  
After a few seconds of silence with a hockey commentary in the background, Jihoon jumps on his legs, ripping his clothes off furiously. After the tie and jacket goes on the floor, he struggles with a shirt, ”like you would think someone had the idea to make it more wearable, with a few centuries of history to do so, but why, right? When you just can feel like shit in it, like you’re suffocating. Because that’s fun!” 

  
  


The buttons aren’t really cooperating and Jihoon keeps cursing trying to open them: “fuck!”  
When he gives up on the little knobs, he tries to pull it over his head and rip it into pieces. That's the moment he finally snaps and breaks into tears.  
  
Seungcheol stops all he was doing, turning the fire off, gently grabbing Jihoon by both of his shoulders and leading him to the sofa across the kitchen, whispering, “shhh, it’s fine, I’m here,” again and again in Jihoon’s ear.  
  
They sit down. Jihoon is obviously past the tearing shirt part in a second, cigarette in between his fingers, so he can sob better.  
Seungcheol wraps his hands around Jihoon immediately, one hand at the small of his back, the other smoothing hair and patting his head. He can feel Jihoon’s body shaking underneath his.  
  
The time seems to stop after that.  
The two of them silently hugging each other, not saying anything. Just quiet sobs and whimpers is all they can hear.  
The cd already came to an end. The sports channel still enthusiastically going on, but it’s not like neither of them pays it any attention.

All Jihoon has on his mind right now is to fucking get a grip and to not continue ruining Seungcheol’s evening.  
  
_This is not what was supposed to happen today._  
  
He promised himself earlier things won’t go like this. Not again.  
He made a strict plan: he was supposed to get home, greet Seuncheol, eat his dinner he tried his best at, tell him it’s the best thing he ever ate (even though that would most probably be a fat lie, but hey, if his boyfriend tries to cook, even the thought needs to be praised), then maybe tell him all the obnoxious funny stories his colleagues told him at lunch. And finally, kiss Seungcheol good night and cuddle in bed.  
  
But it seems the universe has another plan for him. And it kicks Jihoon in the back of his knees to remind him he’s feeling like crap and there’s no way he could hide it from Seungcheol anymore.

Seungcheol decides to speak up first, "why did you lie to me Jihoon?"  
  
"I am.. I don’t know." Jihoon falters a bit, trying hard to find his voice, "I just don’t feel like I should tell you whenever my anxiety appeares. I don’t want you to worry. And to ruin your mood because of me and I am really sorry, I swear I don't want to break up with you, okay, and I- I-..", Jihoon shivers with new tears coming down his cheeks from the corner of his eyes.  
  
The cigarette makes a mess on bedsheets, with not much left of it. Jihoon takes another smoke with his damp lips, not giving a fuck about the ashes flying everywhere.

Seungcheol sighs before taking Jihoon's cheeks to his palms, thumbs smearing the salty water on his face. Smiling fondly as he explores every inch of his face with both his fingertips and with focused eyes, "didn't you say you quit smoking for good?"  
  
Jihoon turns his sight down from Seungcheol to avoid the piercing look he gives him, slightly embarrassed.  
  
He mumbles, "yeah. I did. It just.. it kind of helps, you know?" Jihoon bravely searches for the other's eyes who waited patiently without moving, just for a second, before continuing, "I mean, not all the time, but.. when the panic is building up and every single thing around me speeds up, my heart feels like it can stop beating any minute and-", he shrugs desperately, "I guess it helps, with the whole concentration thing. Like, I just think about the smoke that fills me, like it's the only detail I should care about. Stupid, I know."  
Jihoon ducks his head again, "I am not sure how to explain it." 

Seungcheol takes a minute and then slowly wraps his curious fingers around Jihoon's chin to make them face each other. Seungcheol's beloved half smile only keeps growing at this point. Jihoon is teary but so, so gorgeous, as he’s taken by surprise when Seungcheol closes the small distance between their lips with a breathy and quiet: “Well, then concentrate on this instead.”

With the few first light pecks he showers Jihoon with on his soft pouty mouth, the other doesn’t respond. Seungcheol places a palm on Jihoon’s chest to feel its fast beats from the anxiety and probably from the sudden affection as well.  
But to his great relief, it seems Jihoon is getting soothed, even if just a little bit.

His tensed-up face, and hands as well, relaxes a little. The cigarette butt falls on the fluffy black carpet, because Jihoon has his limbs all over Seungcheol in a minute.  
When they separate to take a breath, all Jihoon can stares at are Seungcheol’s plump lips. They are already swollen a bit as their kisses gets heated.  
He practically sits in his lap, caressing mostly his jaw and ears lobes. He loves playing with them so much. 

Before he can stop himself, Jihoon gently takes Seungcheol’s bottom lip between his teeth and sucks on it a little, licking the lip on its width.  
Jihoon parts their mouths to talk, “how come you’re not tired of me?” he asks silently, more to himself. Looking at nothing in particular, his cheeks flushes pink.

“Why would I?” Seungcheol smiles lazily, “you have no idea what you do to me.”

“But when I feel like shit, I can’t help but act like a dickhead an-“

“The disorder is not everything there is of you.”, Seungcheol cuts him off mid-sentence, “it’s just the smallest part. But when I look at you, I see a small beautiful man, with his small beautiful face who’s confident, hard-working and never fails to make me laugh. That’s the bigger part. And you can be so brave. You fight it well, Jihoonie. Even when you’re feeling insecure and scared as hell, you’re still fighting.”

Jihoon feels like crying again.

“But it's okay to feel like you can't do it anymore. Like you can't win no matter how hard you're trying. So on those days, when it takes all the strenght from you, makes you all hopeless, I want to be the part you miss and need, but can't find in yourself. If you want me to.”

A genuine smile creeps up Jihoon’s face, all teary, “you’re so cheesy, Seungcheol. The cheesiest.” 

Seungcheol just grins, knowing very well Jihoon is trying to hide the fact he is moved, as always. His blushing face never lies whenever Seungcheol’s convincing him that he’s indeed loved.  
  
“You love it though.”

Jihoon pokes Seungcheol’s dimple, “you bet I do.”

With his legs cramping up, he stands up and stretches them out.  
“But do you know what I wanna do right know?” he takes Seungcheol’s arms and makes him jump on his feet as well.

“Mmhm,” Seungcheol chuckles an ear to ear smile, “well, I like where this is going.”

That makes Jihoon laugh, “I was talking about eating, you dick. The food you made, remember?”

“Of course, Jihoonie, I was thinking about the same thing.” Seungcheol squeezes Jihoon’s body in a hug for the last time before they return to the kitchen.

“Thank you, Seungcheol,” Jihoon whispers later that night. He was never any good at sentimental stuff.

“It’s fine babe, I love you.”

Jihoon hides under the blanket, not entirely sure if he deserves Seungcheol. But if Seungcheol thinks so, that’s all that matters.  
“Love you too.”  
  
_This right here is far more than enough could ever be_.

**Author's Note:**

> ehm, yeah  
> -so first of all, this is for svtvevo and i am reeeally sorry, i know this is probably nothing you wanted TT i tried to make it domestic, but i am a failure  
> -i signed up for this fic exchange because of my lovely fic writers senpais woozifi and havokftw, which i admire <3  
> -it's real fucking bad, but what's done is done, i doubt someone will actually read it, if someone will, that woud be great but i know it's garbage  
> -AND english isn't my first language so there's a lots of mistakes surely, but i dont have any english speaking friend to tell me, so i just hope its readable  
> -once again, svtvevo, i am sorry. i couldnt write hogwarts au like you also wanted, i dont know shit about HP, but i pray you will enjoy this at least a little <3  
> does anyone even reads these, or am i the only one?  
> (♫i know i am not the only oneee~~~♪)  
> bye thanks xx  
> seventeen and jicheol are the light of my life


End file.
